Old Joy
by X-valmont-X
Summary: Sam is struggling to cope with the idea of losing Dean, Dean comforts him in a way he's never tried before, hoping it will connect them forever.


**I don't own supernatural, and i make no money from this. unfortunately. **

**This is for Justine, you are the 'roldy to my Kumar, and you mean the world to me :) (and you like hot sweaty man-sex like me too :P) **

**Old Joy:**

**You sit, with the man****  
><strong>**Throw it all away****  
><strong>**And you dream, of the birds****  
><strong>**That have flown away**

**And you hope that you won't see it fall****  
><strong>**Again****  
><strong>**And you'll sing day by day****  
><strong>**Old joy, comes back to me****  
><strong>**You'll sing day by day****  
><strong>**Old joy, comes back to me**

**You say this, is the line****  
><strong>**Of the influence, of dreams****  
><strong>**Tall buildings and a wife****  
><strong>**Won't be enough for me**

**There is more in the world to be found****  
><strong>**Than dreams**

He lays on his back. his face relaxed with sleep. He is expressionless, his usual extremes of emotion vacant. People look so different in their sleep, yet I cannot shake the feeling of morbidity that comes over me when I see him like this. Soon his face will be this way forever, pale, waxy, but like this nonetheless. I look to the floor, the carpet is dirty, stained from years of god knows what, I ride out my wave of sadness and then look back to him. his eyes are open.

"Sammy?" already he looks like he usually does, one eyebrow raised in query, a smile shirking over one half of his face. I'm ready for the barrage of insults.

"uh-"

"what the hell are you doing?"

"I – uh...I got you breakfast" I shrug, hoping for no more questions.

"ohh, please tell me there's bacon involved?"

I nod. Glad at dean's overpowering stomach, he sits up, climbs out of bed and stumbles to the bathroom. I take the opportunity to escape to a chair near the table, trying to act as normal as possible.

He re-enters the room, still not fully awake and almost jogs to the table.

"have you ever seen such a beautiful sight!" he grins, sitting down and eating almost half of the bacon roll in one mouthful.

I raise an eyebrow, almost shocked that we share the same gene-pool, but at the same time I can't help but feel a sense of pride, this is my brother. The person who looked after me when dad was gone, the person who has saved me countless times, the one I know I'll have to live without, as impossible as that seems to me right now. I realise I'm staring at him, making it glaringly obvious I'm thinking about him.

"Sammy...is there something on my face?" he grins, albeit uncomfortably.

"no" I look down, playing with my food, hoping he'll leave it there.

"I know what you're thinking. You're so easy Sam, you oughtta be ashamed really."

I look up, almost ready to throttle him.

"it'll all be fine. We'll sort it. somehow. Y'know, something always comes up." He's not convincing me, or himself.

"but what if it's not fine, dean? What if something doesn't come up? I'm the only one left if you die. There's no one else."

"oh shut up. What are you a school girl? You're spoiling my breakfast."

He continues to eat like an animal, I look through articles on the internet, trying to find something noteworthy. Every now and then I sneak a glances at him, looking for any indication of fear or worry in his face. I don't find it.

He finishes. Sits back in his chair and sighs, rubbing his stomach.

"that filled a gap" he smiles. "I'm gonna take a shower"

He's gone before I even look up, and I can hear water falling in the next room. Soon, the only sounds that echo through these rooms, the temporary homes that we build for ourselves. Over the past few years, will be my own. dean has been my only sense of permanence, and now that is lost too. I can hear death knocking at our door, and I'm at a loss as to what I can do. For all my thinking and college education, I can find nothing.

I am too lost in my thoughts to realise that the water has stopped, that there are wet feet treading into the room. Only when he enters do I look up and realise that I've been caught again.

"I'm going to tell them I want our money back!" he growls. "no goddamn hot water"

He's wearing nothing but a towel. I a sight I have seen a thousand times, but today it feels different. Today I feel myself blush. I look away, out of the window, trying to find something to comment on, but I can't detract my thoughts, the vision of him, water dripping off damp skin, heat working through the cold, the white towel around his waist, almost too stark against the light tan.

I look back, unable to stop myself. He is stood staring at me.

"you're really creeping me out." He points his toothbrush at me, something I hadn't even noticed was in his hand.

"what?" I automatically go on the defensive, unable to disguise my flushing cheeks.

"you were watching me when I was asleep this morning."

"sure Dean, whatever you say"

"oh so you're saying you weren't?"

"of course I wasn't. Seriously, what do you think I am?"

"so that chair's there for no reason at all then is it?" the toothbrush is pointed in the opposite direction.

I'm caught, unable to deny the truth. But I still try.

"yeah..." my voice is quieter than usual. This is my guilty tone.

"Sammy. Something's wrong. And you better tell me what it is or I swear to god I'll-"

"oh just leave it will you!" I get up to leave, pushing past him, heading for the door, but he catches my arm and pulls me back.

"siddown!" his voice bellows around the room.

I stay where I am, and so he pushes me back into the chair beside the bed.

"talk to me. do you know something? It's gotta be something." He's suddenly calm. Mood swings have eternally been one of Dean's talents.

"there's nothing"

"then why all the moping around? You can't act like that and say there's nothing wrong."

"like what?" I regret the question as soon as I ask it.

"like a sour old woman. Now tell me."

"you've got two months left dean. Sorry I'm not embracing life with vigour"

He sits down on the bed opposite me. sighing heavily.

"I wish you'd stop reminding me"

"like you'd ever forget? You can't keep on acting like there's nothing wrong. We need to work on solving this."

"can I be Fred? You can be Velma, she's a nerd too" he grins.

I don't find the joke funny. There's nothing here to laugh about.

"oh come on Sam. Stop being so sour. There's nothing we can do right at this moment is there? So just eat your breakfast." The way he's talking is reminiscent of how he was when we were little. How he'd reassure me when dad didn't come home.

I look at him. deep beneath the wry grin there's a deep shadow, eating him away.

"sorry" I'm sulking, having been put in my place.

He stands, walking to get his clothes, and places his hand on my shoulder as he passes by. Without thinking I place mine on top of it. keeping it there. I begin to panic as the realisation of what I've done creeps up on me. looking around at him slowly, I see his eyes have widened. Whether in shock or disgust I'm not sure. But I have a feeling this can't end well.

He doesn't say anything, only slips his hand out from under mine and turns so he stands in front of me. he bends down and wraps his arms tight around me, my brother, my only savoir. I hold him tight. Breathing in his scent, something I have grown so used to over the years that I almost forgot it existed, but it intoxicates me now, taking over every cell within me, making my senses reel. His bare skin burns against my hands, the life rushing through him so violently that it overtakes me. I feel tears forming in my eyes, I cling, because he's the only thing left to cling to, and I hope this moment never ends.

He pulls away slowly, and I reluctantly let go. his hands rest on my shoulders, and he 's inches away from my face. He whispers:

"I will never, ever leave you. Even if we don't find a way to..." he doesn't finish the sentence, he can't bring himself to say it, "I'll come back and haunt your ass"

He smiles, the way he always does, the smile that makes everything ok. Apart from this. And then the tears begin to fall, blurring my vision, making me lose sight of him. I can feel his breath on me, washing over my skin. I feel his forehead against mine, he holds the back of my neck with one hand, and smoothes my hair with the other. For a moment we're like mother and child. But both of us know this isn't how brothers behave, no matter how unique our situation is. I feel him come in close to me, the radiating heat all over me once again, but in a different way this time, this time, his lips meet mine, Soft, plush, and damp, the kiss is chaste, a concept I never knew dean grasped.

He pulls away, his breath ragged. We must be thinking the same thing, that this is wrong, that we're wrong, that this must be some kind of dream. Nevertheless, I find him upon me again. The kiss is harsher this time, more desperate. His fingers cling to my hair, pulling slightly. I gasp into his mouth, raking my fingers along his back. the tears roll freely from my eyes, streaming down my cheeks, he wipes them away blindly with his thumb, we consume each other with every second we're connected, absorbing as much of each other as we can. We separate, finally finding the nerve to look each other in the eye.

"you're one sick puppy, Sammy." He sighs breathily, hazarding a grin.

I have no answer to this, my capability to talk is taken over by the crushing desire. I look down at his chest, dropping my hands to my knees, sighing deeply. He lifts my head, forcing me to look at him.

"but I didn't say I didn't like it" he winks.

I finally understand why women can't resist him. there's something impish about him, that makes him more appealing. A deep kiss, his tongue invading my mouth, tasting him. something I had never experienced before, something I had never expected. He pulls me, dragging me onto the bed behind him, I'm on top of him, putting all my weight on him, letting him know I am there. His towel comes loose, but I don't look, that would mean breaking our connection, something completely unthinkable at the moment.

His hands run over me, crawling beneath my shirt, tracing their way along my back. I shudder, nothing has ever felt this good. He pulls the shirt up further, and I lean back for a minute, freeing our mouths. We both gasp for air as he guides it from my body, throwing it on the floor. His fingers trail along my stomach, tickling, making me twitch and grin in a way I haven't since I was a child.

Leaning back in, I allow him to wrap tightly around me again, his face buried in my neck, a searing heat meets the flesh and I moan low in my throat, he kisses and sucks, biting every now and then, making my eyes roll back into my head, causing my breathing to stop. I fist my hands in the sheets, needing some kind of grounding. With a final agonising bite, he lets go, and I fall limp against him. I can feel his hardness against my jeans, pushing into me, he must feel mine to. But there is no infantile humour today, today is different.

I grind myself against him, almost unconsciously, and we both feel it. I bite my lip to stop the cry from escaping. Dean just shuts his eyes and sighs deeply, his fingers digging into my back even harder. I repeat the action, resting my head upon his shoulder, holding onto the pillow behind him as leverage. He meets my thrusts, agonising need taking over his self control. A sweat breaks out across his forehead, he grabs my hips to keep me close to him, I lean up and watch his face, his eyelids flutter, not in the flirtatious sense, but in the sense that he can't keep them open, bliss is keeping them shut. His fingers slip under the waistband of my jeans and boxers, travelling as far down as they will go, trailing along my sides, my lower back, and they try, but fail, to slip round to my front.

He becomes frustrated. Pushing me away, turning me onto my back, holding himself up on his arms. I've never seen him wear this expression before, unabated desire, concentration, intensity. His eyes are serious, never blinking, but always observing, drinking me in. I feel uneasy under this scrutiny, beginning to shift. All of a sudden, he drops on top of me. although smaller than me, he's not light, and the weight comforts me. he kisses the middle of my chest, trailing his tongue to a nipple, lathing it in heat, pulling it lightly between his teeth. I writhe, holding tightly onto his hair. There's a stirring desperation deep inside me, blood pumping too quickly around my body. He moves further down, lavishing attention upon my stomach that tenses with every touch. His fingers find my jeans, fiddling with the button and fly, undoing them with an expert ease. He slides them from my hips. I breathe a sigh of relief to be free of the constraints, the cool air creeps over my skin and relaxes me a bit, but still I will not allow myself to consider the situation I'm currently in.

Lowering himself, he takes my hardness in his hand, and opens his mouth to accept it. we look at each other constantly, his eyes boring into me, he wants me to know that it's me and only me he's thinking of.

He flicks his tongue around my tip, tracing lazy circles, drawing me closer and closer to oblivion. He takes me in deep, I am plunged into a heat of intense that it's almost painful, but as he takes me into his throat I am at a loss. I couldn't stop him now if I wanted to. I place my hand on the back of his head, holding him to me, guaranteeing my pleasure. He looks up at me, his face so different than usual, so full of desire. He runs his fingers along the outside of my hips, my head jolts back, and for a minute I'm looking at the headboard.

He drops me from his mouth, his lips bruised and swollen, he breathes in rasps, he crawls up to me, looking deep into my eyes, recognising that there's no going back now. I hold him by the back of the neck and pull him to me, kissing him lightly on his collarbone, his arms shake, he's struggling. Opening my mouth I explore his skin, he tastes of something otherworldly, something beautiful that I can't find the words to describe, I graze my teeth over the tight flesh, biting down hard upon him. his moans are almost feral, unlike me, he shows no sign of insecurity, he has no restraints in his everyday life, this seems to hold true with this situation too. Pulling away from him, I trail my fingers along his stomach, his muscles contracting with the contact. I want to move lower, want to touch him like he has me, but something stops me, a sudden kick of nerves. He sees this, and grins again.

"Sammy! I always knew you were a girl! It won't bite you" he mocks.

I feel myself blush, and immediately curse myself for it. he's right, I'm acting like a scared virgin. But I suppose we both are in a sense, like this.

He slips down again, lower than he was before, and lets his hands explore parts of me that even Jessica didn't venture to. He shifts to his bag that lays beside the bed, rifling through. He comes back with a bottle of lubricant.

"dean! really?" I can't hide the surprise. To think that had been with us all the time we've been travelling makes me cringe, even more so than what he could possibly need it for.

"what?" his face blanks.

I look at what he's holding.

"oh come on! Like you've never seen it before. get over it you woman" he slides back to where he was, I hear the cap pop, and I wince. The realisation of our situation dawns on me, and I suddenly feel overexposed. I close my eyes, wishing myself away. I feel a slick finger trying to push itself into me, it feels wrong, like it shouldn't be there, but he persists. My insides feel like they're on fire, like I'm going to spontaneously combust, I fight with my entire being to stop it, to deny it access. But he manages it anyway, with a small curl of the finger, almost pushes me over the edge, sparks fly throughout me, prickling their way along my spine. Suddenly I want to be in the room again, I want to stay here with him like this forever. The finger slides out, and is replaced with two. I wince in pain, covering my watering eyes with my arm. He's gentle, slow, in a way that I had never expected of him. running both fingers over the group of nerves again, I moan, almost too quietly to be heard, but he picks up on it, smiling with only one side of his mouth, he repeats the action over and over, he's teasing me like he always does, I feel a warmth spreading all over my body, starting from my lower stomach. This is pleasure but not in a way I have ever experienced it, it's different from every other experience I've had, and it feels better.

A third finger enters me and the pain returns, but it is short lived, my body is willing to accept him, anything for dean. He's my weakness. The only thing that will ever mean anything to me now.

Suddenly, I have no sensation at all, my body feels pure, if only for a moment. His hand lightly pulls my arm away from my face.

"ready?" he whispers.

I can only nod, having but a vague idea of what he's talking about. This is a line that shouldn't be crossed, yet crossing it seems like the only thing we can do now, to be close forever.

He eases slowly into me, I feel myself stretching around him, the pain, so deep and wounding seems only fitting. Only he can hurt me this way, only he is allowed here.

Finally, I am full. His hips press hard against my thighs, and he breathes heavily into my neck, his sighing giving away his attempts to hold back.

"it's ok. Do it" I breathe.

Pulling out slowly, I can feel every inch of him, of the heat the fills me, there is nothing left to the imagination here. He pushes in again, his pace agonising, we react at the same time, him by shaking, me by gripping tightly to his shoulders. The next thrust is quicker, deeper, and it sends jolts through me. I clutch harder, and he pushes deeper and deeper. I want to feel everything, to embrace this experience, because I think we both know that this is our last chance to unite truly as one. Before we are separated by the most powerful force on the earth. Death.

Heat knots in my stomach, and spreads up to my face, I flush, I feel my muscles tighten, getting ready to let go. I pull him as close to me as he can get, forcing my lips upon him, needing to touch him in any way possible, and with an explosion of bliss, and am transported. A searingly hot liquid spatters between us and I cry out into his mouth.

My muscles tightening tips him over an edge he was only just clinging to, and I am flooded with a substance that will remain a part of me forever. With his climax, he clamps down upon my neck to suppress a scream. He collapses upon me, a mess of sweat and semen. Wrapping him tightly in my arms, I cry silently, and from the dampness on my shoulder, I know I'm not the only one.

**And you'll sing day by day****  
><strong>**Old joy, comes back to me****  
><strong>**You'll sing day by day****  
><strong>**Old joy, comes back to me**

**Forget the things that get away****  
><strong>**Forget the things that get away****  
><strong>**Don't dream of yesterday****  
><strong>**Don't dream of yesterday**


End file.
